focus

there's something i hafta do
its proving to be difficult
to even get started
its not that im not motivated
or inspired
i dont know why its so hard to
start
just take that first step
but it has to be done
so i gotta focus
i cant do nothing else
until i start this thing
so...
maybe if i make my world narrow
so that the only thing i can see
think about...
is this thing
then maybe i will start it
cause it has to be done
.
my ficus tree has gotten a foot tallker and grown so many new leaves since i put it outside in late july. now its getting cold and i need to bring it in the house but i dont want it to start shriveling up and dying. the plants that need the most light already take up all the window space.

today is my mom's birthday. we all took her out to eat fri night. it was strange sitting there with my sis and my bro and my mom. its like, when the three of us siblings are together, there is a huge hole there. like, we'll never be a complete set of siblings again.

i was kinda pissed at my sister because....first of all she brought her daughter with her and we had all decided it would be us and not our children. like...what makes her so special? my sons wanted to come but she had specifically said, it's just gonna be us, nobody bring their children. and she sat there the entire time, rolling her eyes and shaking her head at whatever me and my brother said. she had this horrible look of embarrassment on her face when my mom told the waiter she couldnt taste the alcohol in her daqueri and asked for another shot. i was like...dam, mamma drinks like, once a year or less. its her birthday, let her get a lil buzz. she about had a hissy fit when the waiters all came over clapping and singing happy birthday and gave mamma a sunday. what are we supposed to do? it was ma's birthday, she turned 60, she celebrates birthdays, my bro celebrates birthdays, ion really celebrate but i dont have nothing against it. should we all conform to my sister's wishes all the time? i mean, she knew we were taking mom out for her birthday. she coulda chose not to come.

i have bible study with my sister once a week. i told her from the start that i wasnt finta become no jehovah's witness or anything like that. but she eases in the 'come to the hall' request every week. i dont know how to make it plainer. i have an interest in studying the bible. i dont have an interest in becoming religious at all. im not finta go to no church or no kingdom hall. on some level, i think im only having these studies with her because she is the only sister i have left. and she pretty much ignores me and my children when i am not having this study with her weekly. and if having a bible study with her every saturday is the only way i can have a close relationship with her and her children...but then again, i shouldnt have to do that in order for her to respect me, and my family. before she and i started doing this, i could study onmy own and i did. i even told her, when we first started....
i study the bible on my own. but i feel the only way you will look at me as your sister is if we have these bible studies. its not about tryna get religious. and she was like...well, once we start studying and you realize there is ony one true religion, you'll study because its right and for no other reason.

i was like...dam.
ok.
shit.